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Fear of Flying

See: the PROFILING TEST below

©02 The Media Desk

       The Travel Industry is in the tank. They blame the Attack on America and continuing fears of terrorism.

       Well. Yes and no.

       Once again the Major Media, Congress, and even the airlines have overlooked the obvious. Yes some Americans are worried about hijacking and being flown into the Sears Tower as part of some Martyrdom-obsessed fanatic's last wish. But most are more concerned with being strip-searched by somebody declared too incompetent to ask if you want fries with that while some swarthy 'There is no God but Allah and Muhammad is His Prophet' spouting guy with a stolen hotel towel wrapped around his head is waved through so airport security can't be accused of profiling.
       An impromptu poll of acquaintances by the Desk over the weekend, as yet another airline filed for protection from bill collectors, found that more people were worried about spending HOURS in grinding stupidity between the ticket counter proving you are you and then having to undress at the security checkpoint for a registered sex offender.

       At the Shoreleave convention one guy the Desk talked to said he figured it this way, two and a half hours at JFK or Drive four hours to Baltimore and then have your own car all weekend and not have to worry about nonsense from the rental company. For him, it was a no-brainer. Unless it is a cross-country haul. It just isn't worth it.

       Yes we want to be protected from octogenarian grandmothers with their knitting needles and Medal of Honor Veterans and nuns in thick-soled sneakers. But we also do Not want to spend more time in line at the metal detector than we do in the air to get to Pittsburgh.
       So while the talking heads on TV and the analysts called up to testify in front of Congress lament how the public is scared [explicative deleted] of flying due to terrorists, they are totally missing the fact that our fear and loathing begins long before we ever watch the flight attendant do her oxygen mask drill.

       The Desk had an opportunity to fly from the East Coast to the Midwest a couple of months ago and declined. It didn't want to have to go through the BS at the gate and all. It wasn't the ticket price, or fear of being hijacked to someplace it can't pronounce, or getting in the middle of a shootout between air marshals and some Amway salesman, it simply didn't want to put up with the bad noise on the ground at BWI going out then again coming back. And if there was a plane change in West Bumfuzzle, doing it all again.

       So while United's stock is down to buy one get one free prices, and American is laying off everybody but bureaucrats, and this one is bankrupt and that one is for sale... The Government managed airport security administration is discussing the finer points of x-raying diapers for explosives but will not stop middle-aged Saudi men who have C4 strapped to their armpits in case it might violate their religious freedom.

       Even with random high-jackings you are still safer in the air than you are driving to the local convenience for a Mr. Fizzy. You might be in an auto accident on the way there, some 'rehabilitated' career punk criminal might decide to rob the place and shoot it up, the building might explode from a gas leak, you may be exposed to excessive radiation from the lottery ticket machine, walking back out to your car a drunk driver may run over you. So you are much safer in the air.
       Unfortunately. You are safer walking to an inner city convenience store for that Mr. Fizzy at midnight with Rolex's on each arm and twenty dollar bills hanging out of your pockets and sporting a Confederate Army Officer's hat than you are trying to get through airport security with a metal belt buckle or clasps on your high heeled shoes.
       People have been arrested for simply looking nervous while being strip searched in public. Any comment about delay or how you think its inappropriate for some ex-cons and minimum wage dropouts to be searching through a new bride's honeymoon lingerie will result in your being hauled off by the goon squad to have everything you've ever done scrutinized to try to link you to Taliban John.
       And, of course, if you take note, or worse take video, of an Ossama look-alike being waved through by these very same losers will have you thinking the Transportation Security Tzar has reopened the Black Hole of Calcutta.

       So. All US Air Transport Gurus take note.

       The reason We The People are not flying is NOT because we are wringing our hands over terrorism in the air.
       We're not flying because we absolutely HATE the Hassle, Dumb Stuff, and Idiocy we are being forced to endure before we even get ON THE PLANE!


[Stolen from various places on the Internet - Number '13' added by the Desk... Some other adjustments made for this presentation.]

To insure that we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips and Medal of Honor winning former Governors. But let's pause a moment and take the following test.

  1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, Israeli athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
    a. HRH The Queen Mum
    b. Sitting Bull
    c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  2. In 1979, the U.S. Embassy in Iran was taken over by:
    a. Lost Norwegians
    b. Parachuting Elvis Impersonators The Flying Elvi
    c. A tour bus full of wheelchair bound 80-year-old grandmothers
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  3. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
    a. John Dillinger
    b. The King of Sweden
    c. The Boy Scouts
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
    a. A pizza delivery boy
    b. Pee Wee Herman
    c. Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
  5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered in his wheelchair and thrown overboard by:
    a. The Smurfs
    b. Davy Jones of The Monkees
    c. The Little Mermaid
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
  6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver was murdered by:
    a. Captain Hook
    b. Charles Lindberg
    c. Mother Teresa
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
    a. Scooby Doo
    b. James Bond
    c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
    a. Richard Simmons
    b. Grandma Moses
    c. Michael Jordan
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  9. In 1998, the U.S. Embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
    a. Mr. Rogers
    b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
    c. World Wrestling Entertainment's newest villain: "Mustapha the Merciless"
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  10. On 11 Sept. 2001 four airliners were hijacked and used to murder thousands of people by:
    a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
    b. The Supreme Court of Florida
    c. The Quad City Cubs baseball team
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
    a. Enron
    b. The Lutheran Church
    c. The NFL
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
    a. Bonny and Clyde
    b. Captain Kangaroo
    c. Billy Graham
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  13. The US Government and the citizens of that country continue to be the target of rancid hate speeches and organized efforts to infiltrate this country with suicide squads by and of:
    a. The Teamsters
    b. The Osmonds
    c. The Women of Enron
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


    [NOTE: The Desk is in no way affiliated with any of the above companies. Including not being a customer except when no other reasonable option exists. All company names, are registered trademarks and copyrights of their individual companies. If lawyers scream the Desk will remove the company name from this article, and replace it with somebody else in the news.
    The Desk simply STOLE the floating piece about airport profiling and is presenting it as humor and commentary. If anybody can prove to be the originator of the piece, the Desk will either credit them or remove it. But since it has been all the way around the Net a dozen times and is on at least a hundred other websites according to the search engines... The Desk is treating it as if it were public domain.

    have a nice day]

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